Anonymous said: Hi, I'm a pansexual who has been out for about a year now and I've gotten over various hurdles such as getting my conservative father to accept my sexuality, but now I have a problem I don't know how to face. I have a friend who is very accepting of my sexuality but is very immersed in the whole "appropriation of cultures and sexualitys " and she insists that since I'm genderfluid I cannot be pansexual and I should stop saying that I am, How do I tell her that she is wrong?

hello anon,

…..try as i might, i can’t even begin to imagine what kind of argument your friend could possibly have that would link your genderfluid and pansexual identities to appropriation….??

and since i’m totally unable to understand her argument, it’s nearly impossible for me to correct her…. i don’t even know what she believes that i should be addressing!

could you please give me more information? i’d really like to try and help you with this… :(

- Vesper


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Anonymous said: Hey so I want to come out to my grandma (I'm a pan girl) But I have no idea how, as I'm not sure she'd be completely accepting. I feel like she gonna say it a phase or treat me differently

hello anon,

this may be pointing out the obvious, but she very well may assume that it’s a phase and/or treat you differently. no matter how you come out to her, her response may still be the same. some people are just like that. so with that in mind, try to mentally prepare yourself for such responses ahead of time. keep in mind that it’s natural for her to need time to understand and come to terms with certain things and she may say or do hurtful things in the meantime.

as for how to come out, there are lots of different approaches that you could take. you could sit her down for a serious 1-on-1 discussion, you could bring up the topic casually or just drop hints to see how she responds. you could write her a letter, which is a good option if coming out to her face-to-face is intimidating or stressful. you could have someone else there with you when you come out to support and defend you should things go south. there are a million ways, really.

anyway, i wish you all the best. i hope that she pleasantly surprises you when/if you do come out to her. :)

- Vesper

Anonymous said: I'm panromantic asexual (gray a) and I'm only 12, I can be asexual by this age or I'm too young? I feel like an asexual person!!

hello, anon!

there are people who will argue otherwise, but there is no such thing as being too young to know who or what you are. so go ahead, strut your pan ace/grace pride!

no one— i repeat, no one— has the right to even suggest that you are too young to know yourself.

- Vesper

Anonymous said: Hello! The more I learn about pansexuality, the more I believe I am a pansexual. However, I've already came out to all of my friends as bisexual. Do you have any advice on how to come out again, but as pansexual? Or any advice on how to come out to family as pansexual?

hello anon! sorry about the late response.

about coming out to your friends a second time, i would base how you come out on how each particular friend responded the first time.

if you think that coming out as pansexual will be a non-issue to someone, perhaps you could just casually mention your new identity. as in “you know how i told you that i was bisexual before…? well, ever heard of pansexuality…?” leaving it open ended like that leaves the conversation open to explaining why you are now pansexual, which they will inevitably be curious about since they probably won’t even have heard of pansexuality. of course, you could also just present your pansexuality as a statement and leave it at that.

if you think that someone will have a harder time understanding or accepting your pansexuality, a more serious conversation may be inevitable, so i would ready yourself to answer a lot of questions about pansexuality and how it differs from bisexuality for you personally. if someone attacks your identity, you may feel the need to defend yourself, but remember. you needn’t defend yourself to anyone. if they fail to understand or accept this new information that you’re entrusting them with, that’s their problem.

aside from that, i’m afraid i can’t give you any solid tips on what to say/how to come out….. about coming out to your family, check out our coming out tag for advice and ideas. :)

- Vesper

Anonymous said: Hi, I'm pansexual and I have no clue how to come out to my parents. I'm in the deepest darkest closet that is known to man. It just sucks because this really cute girl asked me to go on a date (I'm also female, and as of now my parents believe me to be hetero) and I had to turn her down because I'm not out and it's not fun.

that really sucks, anon. :/

i assume that you are still living at home? and thus are dependent on your parents for support, financial and otherwise? in which case, i feel the need to advice careful consideration of how/when/if you come out to your parents. if you feel like coming out to them could put you into any danger, drive a serious wedge into your relationship with them or in any way cause them to stop supporting you, it may be a good idea to put up with the sucky situation until you are out of the house and more independent. it would suck even more than it does now if you came out to them and they refused to support you through college, for example….

on the other hand, if you feel like your parents would never take things that far, perhaps it’s only a matter of being very strategic about how/when/to whom you come out.

either way, i wish you the best, anon. :(

- Vesper

Anonymous said: I have identified as pansexual/genderfluid (born female) for the past 3 year. And recently I have been contemplating whether or not that is truly what sexual orrientation I am. Because recently (past 3 months) I have been only interested in girls, and I have been feeling the need to be masculine. And I am wondering if it is normal/ okay to be feeling this way?

life is a journey in which one never stops discovering new things about oneself. on top of this, for many people gender and/or sexuality are fluid things which can change over time.

so is it “normal” or okay to be feeling this way? of course it is. there is absolutely nothing strange or wrong about it.

it can definitely be scary and/or disorientating to feel like a part of your long-held identity is changing/has changed, but the words you use to describe your identity are but words. they serve a purpose and that purpose is to communicate something about yourself to others. if those words stop being accurate and/or useful, you may want to look into new words. it’s entirely up to you!

whatever you do just remember: “normal”? there’s no such thing. everyone is different. just be you.

- Vesper

Anonymous said: I am a 12 year old girl but have found myself attracted to other genders. Online reachers led me to discover i am pansexual I already came out as bi to 2 of my 3 friends but not to any family members. I have a aunt who is marrying her girlfriend and one of my uncles is a gay hairdresser so i know i will not be thrown out or anything but my dad is against gay marriage and my brothers make being gay a joke so i am afraid of coming out please give me some tips thank you

hello anon,

sorry for the late reply. i hope all’s well with you!

the biggest piece of advice that i personally can give you is to wait until you are ready and the time feels right to come out. you have the power to choose who you come out to when, where and how. plus it seems like you have a decent idea of how certain family members will react. use all of this to your advantage! if you think that your dad and/or brothers will be the least supportive of who you are, then perhaps hold off on coming out to them. at least until you have more supportive people around you to help back you up.

i’m sorry i can’t give you any more practical advice than this, but i hope that it helps. if you’re looking for ideas on how to come out, Google or Tumblr can certainly help inspire you. :) good luck!

- Vesper

Anonymous said: what is it called when you feel attracted to someone's soul/ personality instead of their appearance or gender?

being a human being.

Anonymous said: Uhm, I was looking some stuff up and this blog was one of the first things to show up, so I was hoping maybe you could help me... I am a 19 year old girl in a committed relationship with the man that I one day want to marry, but I've started questioning my sexuality recently. I don't know if I'm bisexual or pansexual, and I don't know how to find out. I don't want to find out for anyone else, but for my own peace of mind. Do you think you could help me...?

dear anon,

perhaps this post will help a little, but i’m afraid i can’t tell you how to discover something so intimate about yourself. figuring out something like this is a journey of self-discovery that can last anywhere from days to years, but you’ll work through it in time. please check out the other post if you haven’t already. i wish you all the best!

- Vesper